MISS OMG PRESENTS: A Little Wine Time with Raquel Johnson

A Little Wine Time 

with Raquel Johnson

By O. Michele Giacomini

May 24, 2016

Nestled in the Gold Country foothills is one of Northern California's best kept "secrets." I mention "secrets" because this entire region of California has been keeping one for a long time! But the secret's out now: It's their wine!  While many flock to visit the Napa Valley a couple of hours away, those who know about the Gold Country Wine Trail are not only treated to a another beautiful area of NorCal, they're also saving money, and enjoying some of the best vino on earth--and you should too!

This lifestyles writer likes to travel and explore the Gold Country Wine Trail as often as possible, usually with my husband, or friends, or both. When we do, there's a special vineyard we like to visit every time. It's the Dono dal Cielo Winery. So why do we like this place so much? Quite frankly, what's NOT to like about this place?  First of all, when you walk in the door you're treated like family. It's lively, it's casual and the people running the place are so down to earth, like Raquel Johnson.

Recently, I had an opportunity to interview Raquel and get the behind the scenes scoop on Dono dal Cielo. Let's check out what she had to say:

Raquel Johnson~Estate Concierge

OMG: Raquel, I need to know the backstory, how did you get involved with wine industry?

RJ: "To be honest, I call it a lovely kind of fate... that just kind of crossed my path.  I wasn't really looking for it.  I spent my entire career as a wedding planner in Southern California and then moved to Roseville and started working at La Provence (restaurant) as their wedding planner.  The restaurant carried Dono dal Cielo's zinfandel.  I had met the owner's son, Hunter McGillivray, a few times for tasting events and then after meeting the rest of his amazing family, they had asked if I would be the Estate Concierge and manage the Tasting Room.  It's one of my favorite spontaneous decisions I've made."

OMG: I'm sure Dono dal Cielo appreciates that quick decision!  So now that you've been working there for about four years, what have you found to be special or unique about the winery?

RJ: "I feel like when you are at Dono, it's a home away from home and I really mean that.  You can come in and relax and feel like you are part of something.  We have an amazing outside space.  Plenty of tables inside and also outside under our covered patio.  Adjacent to the tasting room lays a beautiful and expansive grassy area with a small family gazebo. It's perfect for picnic blankets and lawn games.  Set on our Zinfandel Hill above the winery is a breathtaking view of our two lush Zinfandel vineyards with an incredible pergola for families and friends to spend the day."

OMG: Well I think you forgot something: Pearl!  To me Pearl makes Dono feel super special too...of course she should, since that sweet, friendly Great Pyrenees is the official winery greeter!  You know Raquel, no one in Napa has a "Pearl" at their wineries! So besides being a very dog-friendly winery, why else should people ditch Napa and head over here to the Gold Country for wine?

Pearl~Official Winery Personal Greeter

RJ: "I can speak from experience as I have been to Napa recently. Coming from the Placer Wine Trail and then spending the day in Napa, I really missed the small 'mom & pop' feel of our wineries back home. Although Napa is absolutely stunning, I didn't enjoy how extremely busy they all were and having to fight the crowds just to get to the tasting bar (*she laughs*)...and it's so expensive to taste.  I guess I've just been spoiled with our little boutique wineries on the Placer Trail."

OMG: I love our boutiques wineries too, and that everyone seems to promote each other. There seems to be mentality for everyone to help each other be successful here in the Gold Country, and I guess when you know that the neighboring vineyards are also putting out quality wines it's easy to say, "Hey, check out my friend's winery too." Also, there's always something going on at the wineries. It seems like yours is always hopping! What do you have coming up?

RJ: "We always have live music every Saturday and it has become a very popular day for us.  We have planned a few exciting quaint parties for our wine club members.  And so far this year have released 7 new wines of which we are really proud of."

OMG: Ok, I'm gonna put you on the spot Raquel. Tell us what your top 3 favorite Dono wines are, and why?

RJ: "This is a tough one because I love them all for different reasons, (kinda like your kids). I adore every vintage of our Sauvignon Blanc and it has ruined me in the Sauv. world as nothing compares to our crisp refreshing pineapple grapefruity glass of love!!!  I also like our current 2014 Zinfandel as it's more jammy and fruit forward this year than ever which I really appreciate.  I also love our Davenport 6100.  It's such a unique late harvest in that it is much lighter than a normal port style wine and with chocolate, VOILA!  It's dessert for sure, with less calories."

OMG: Oohh!  I love those too, (and I love that diet tip with the port). I don't think there's ever been a Dono wine I didn't like, and I hope there never is! Thanks so much for sharing with us today Raquel.

To go check out Dono dal Cielo, here's their link for more information: www.donodalcielo.com.

Their wines really are WONDERFUL, and I gotta say, when we have out-of-town guests, we always bring them there. Our friends are never disappointed with the experience.  (By-the-way, when you go, be sure to say hello to Pearl for me)!

If you have any questions for Raquel,

please leave them here in the comments section below:

Sleep is for the Birds

An excerpt from Looking for B.O.B. (BrightSides of Bull$#!+) Every Day. (You can buy Looking for B.O.B. on Amazon. Order soon to get your limited first release of this book! https://www.amazon.com/Looking-B-B-BrightSides-Bull-ebook/dp/B01EIVWNV0?ie=UTF8&keywords=olivia%20michele%20kindle&qid=1461186865&ref_=sr_1_1&sr=8-1

"Sleep is for the Birds

Dear Mr. Early Bird,

I guess you don't value your life much—3:30 in the morning, really, two nights in a row? Screw being an Early Bird, cuz you're going to be a dead bird if I don't get some sleep!

Sincerely,

Miss Sleep D. Prived

I shared with some neighbor friends that a damn bird had been waking us up in the middle of the night, and I found that this feathered-foe has been making his rounds. One neighbor said they had him in their backyard till they threatened him with their shotgun. Another neighbor tried to cheer me up and said I should make friends with it and enjoy it’s songs from nature. I shared with that same neighbor that I had a better remedy—it's called borrowing our other neighbor’s said shotgun!!! We are no longer friends—something about irreconcilable differences?

I like birds and all, I LOVE animals, hell, I even own a flock of chickens—but this frickin' bird was on my last nerve. As someone I knew described, “He was like the loud guy at a party who just wouldn’t shut his beak,”—and he was starting to bring in his loud-mouthed friends. One of my buddies quipped that we were lucky they weren’t Angry Birds. Well they may not be angry, but I sure was!!! For the love of my family and my co-workers, that bird and his buddies needed to get the flock outta here!

So then the next night, it happened again. I found myself waking up screaming, “HELP!!! I'm trapped in the frickin' Tiki Room!!!”

DAMN BIRDS!!! It was so bad, I was forced to send out an apology letter to my neighbors:

Dear Neighbors,

We apologize for the loud, impromptu pool party at 3 o’clock this morning. Please know it was being organized by a rude, uninvited mallard who decided to call over all his friends from the Duck Club to go skinny dipping in our pool. We informed him of the noise ordinance from 10pm to 6am—but he quacked back that we should go “flock ourselves.” Damn trespassers!

Nothing like dragging yourself out of bed and into work after continuous nights like that! I remember pulling up to work and immediately spewing explanations:

“Geez-o—let me spare you all the trouble. Yes, I know I look tired. Yes, I know I look like hell. Yes, I know I'm a little grouchy today and should go back to bed. I am keenly aware of all this, SOME PEOPLE have made dang sure I'm not in denial about my sleep deprivation issue. On that note, I’m fixin’ to get through this day and then it's nippy-nap time for this girl!”  

I then began to storm off, and I swear I overheard people whispering, “What are you nipping on before your nap???”

Well, people, for the record,  I had that nap—and it must have been magical, because after I awoke, things had changed—drastically! I remember dreaming about pleading with my Knight in Shining Armor to forget riding in on his big, black stallion. I begged that he just rescue me from that stinkin’ bird that’s kept me up the past three nights in a row (before I pull out my shotgun and start calling it “dinner.”) And before it ended, I remember one simple request—if he could please, please, please bring me a small Skinny Mocha, STAT, it would be greatly appreciated.

So I awoke, and it was quiet.  YAY!!! SILENCE IS GOLDEN, (and a little CREEPY)!!! But, buh-bye, birdies. The boisterous bird and his buddies finally flew the coop, which was a great thing. They’d overstayed their welcome, and I could care less if the door slammed them on their tail feathers on their way out—cuz this girl finally got some sleep! Good-bye Cranky Girl—I WAS A NEW WOMAN!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh....

Then I discovered the very next morning, a Saturday of all days, why the birds had left. Good gawd!!! When will the madness end? NOW I was being awakened by builders deciding to build a house on the property right behind me!!! UGH! OMG, those SOBs! 7am on the dot. (Yes, I was technically already awake, but I didn't want to be FULLY awake. How RUDE of them—and on a weekend, *&^%$#@)!!!

As the next week went on, it got worse, and it continued through the following weekend too. OH MY-LANTA!!! Are they FRICKIN' kidding? The pounding hadn't stopped and I found myself screaming at them to, “Shut the hell up!!!” (Of course they couldn't hear me over the ridiculous deafening chaos they were creating). OMGosh—I was losing my flippin' mind!!! Of course, in my state, at this point, friends were pointing out that it was a short trip.

I suddenly became desperate for relief—because by the end of that week, I was waking up to JACKHAMMERS!!!  UGH! So I sought out the best expert advice I could. (In other words, I summoned all my social media friends). With their help, I finally discovered a solution that worked. You see, I had to look at this as a life lesson. It was then that I discovered what I was supposed to learn through all of this commotion and stressful beginnings to my day—and it was so simple. I really wish I had reached out earlier for this advice—because it was so pure, and easy, and gave me such tranquility.

I simply learned: Earplugs and tequila shots can cure just about anything!"

Please feel free to share any sleeping tricks, tips or advice with us that you have in the comments section! Now I'm off to take another nap, zzzzzzz....

How to Raise a Book

Hey there!  Check out my latest article for Chicklit On-line Magazine. this story tells the tale of what I have discovered about writing a book. (AND THE FACT I THINK WRITING IT IS THE EASIEST PART)!!!!


Check it out!  http://connect.chicklitclub.com/wp/2016/05/18/how-to-raise-a-book/



Please, please, please...if you have any questions, add to the comment section below!  I'll answer them...at least a much as I can!  

EMIGH HARDWARE — A SACRAMENTO LEGACY FOR OVER 100 YEARS

Hey there!  Check out my latest article for Sacramento Lifestyle Magazine. I never realized how much history there was behind this establishment that I had been driving by for decades!

Nice to know that some things never change!  :)

http://www.sacramentolifestylepubs.com/2016/04/25/emigh-hardware-a-sacramento-legacy-for-over-100-years/

Fear of Flying for Good Reason

Hey everyone!!! We have a May Contest starting immediately. A lucky winner will get a copy of my new book, Looking for B.O.B. Every Day, just for simply following me on my blog. PLUS, be one of the first 50 to follow me and your name will be entered twice!!!

Fear of Flying for Good Reason

Anyone who knows me well, knows these four main things about me:

#1) I love chocolate

#2) I love wine

#3) I love travelling

#4) I HATE FLYING

It’s true, every single one of those things are absolutely, to a fault, true about me. People have even tried to help me combine #1-3 in order to negate #4, with no success.

And I’m not one of those “keep quiet about my fears” kinda gals either. Surprise, surprise...right? I really hate to fly and I don’t mind telling the entire world about it in great detail. I hate, hate, hate everything about it. I hate being claustrophobically cramped up in seats for hours on end with strangers hacking all over me. I hate that I cannot afford first class, I hate take-off, I hate landing, I hate turbulence, I hate airplane food, I hate having NO control...okay, HOLD UP THERE, wait minute...I did sort of think of a couple of things I do like about flying. I like the free alcoholic drinks you get on international flights and I LOVE getting off the plane.  Okay, whew!  I was worried about spiraling into an abyss of negativity there for a moment....glad I found a silver lining just in time!

So anyway...I am thinking of this today, because I’m planning our next trip. And since I kinda specialize in travel writing, I kinda have to travel, in order to write about it, right? So as I was scouring airfare today, my mind travelled back in time to moment when we (my husband, my two young, teenage boys, and I) were travelling back from one of our many trips to Mexico.

Picture this, (knowing my feelings on flying):

I’m in my seat on the airplane, strapped in tight, listening to my ZEN GARDEN music trying to chill, right? Oh, you should also know, we aren’t all seated together, because we got bumped from our flight back to Sacramento and the closest the airline could get us was a flight into Oakland (2 hour drive away), or we could get a flight out in a couple of days. UGH!!!. My husband was seated a couple rows back, and my children were in the same row as me, but on the other side, window & aisle seats, while I am also in a window seat--so not easy to see them. This, mind you, ONLY happened as a result of some very kind passengers that agreed to jockey their seating to get my kids closer to us. Bless their hearts.

So we’re flying along, when suddenly we hit turbulence like I’ve never experienced before. Our huge ole plane turned into a fighter jet...it was frickin’ rocking all over the place. Heads were popping up all over and we all just kept looking at each other like, “This is it...we’re going down!” I started praying and tearing that Zen S#!+ off my head!

I looked over and could see one of my sons was also scared. Talk about helpless, there was no way for me to get to him to console him...absolutely NOTHING I could do, and the terror in his eyes still haunts me today. To make matters worse, of course, he was seated right next to his brother, who, instead of showing great compassion, had the biggest smile on his face! He was laughing intermittently, while humming the theme song to the movie Top Gun, and bouncing up & down with the plane, (pretending to be a fighter jet pilot). He was loving every second of it! (The child is a bit twisted, to say the least).

Then the captain came on the loudspeaker and told us not to worry. Of course not!  Why should we worry? I mean only 18 people had heart attacks by this time. Then the captain proceeds to move us to another air lane and narrate the activity in play by play mode.

That’s when I looked out the window and, lo and behold, there was another flippin’ plane FLYING RIGHT TOWARD US, not even a football field away. SERIOUSLY!!! OMG! That was a close one!

When we survived that “mishap,” I started to relax a little, but then five minutes later, it happened again. OH HELL NO!

I figured at this point that was 3 strikes. So in true “Miss OMG Fashion” I put my iPod back on my head and cranked up Thunderstruck. I figured at that point, if we were going down, AC/DC was going to do a much better job of soothing my soul!

When we touched down, and I stopped cheering aloud, I disembarked that plane in record time. And the second my foot hit the pavement, I dropped and kissed that filthy-ass ground I stepped out onto. I remember thinking, (after I had a very stiff drink and could focus my thoughts again), that I loved my family and friends so much before that terrifying trip home. But after that night, I felt I loved them a million times more! Even more than that, I remember not being able to believe we survived that flight...and more importantly, that I didn’t have to change my underwear...Praise God!!!  :)

The funny thing is I wasn’t home 24 hours before I was checking airfare again for our next trip. (I decided I’d just take three Darvisats before taking off….which goes to show you how much I take meds, cuz I guess you can’t even get those anymore)!  LOL!


If you have an exciting "flying" story, please feel free to share in the comments!

Miss OMG presents: Taking FLYTE with Nomadic Matt

Taking FLYTE with Nomadic Matt

By O. Michele Giacomini

May 12, 2016

Nomadic Matt is a superstar in the travel world. He has trekked the globe and dedicated his life to the encouragement of others to do the same, regardless of their budget. Having begun his quest to visit every nook and cranny of earth during his 20s, he realized young how valuable travelling is for people of all ages, and especially our youth.

My chance encounter with Nomadic Matt occurred because of our shared interest in travelling and ideals. We both agree that experiencing life in other cultures opens your mind and allows you to view the world from a whole new perspective. It causes us to be able to “connect” with others & their lifestyles, and it cultivates acceptance. We also believe strongly in education and making a difference in people’s lives.

So when I found out about Nomadic Matt’s new Foundation for Learning and Youth Travel Education (FLYTE) program, I knew I found a friend for life, and even more, that I want everyone to know about this amazing program! So here goes:

OMG: Nomadic Matt, tell us about your exciting FLYTE program?

NM: “FLYTE’s mission is to provide the resources and funding to help high schools in underserved U.S. communities send kids overseas. Our focus is on students in rural or economically depressed communities.

We are doing this to help students become global citizens, bring life to the subjects they learn in school, and expose them to new ideas and cultures.

There are so many negative stereotypes in the world that are perpetuated by a lack of exposure to different cultures and too much exposure to horrific news stories. Travel breaks down those negative stereotypes and alleviates fears. Remember when you visited a ‘dangerous’ or ‘scary’ place that was completely different from what you imagined it to be? Travel forces us to reevaluate stereotypes, and creates a shift in our typical way of thinking.

That’s why I want to do this. That’s why I want to create an organization that promotes education through travel. The two go hand in hand.”

OMG: I completely agree, travel enhances education and education enhances travel

So, what was it that actually inspired you to create this program?

NM: “During my travels, I’ve encountered quite a few kids, and I’m astounded at how grounded, positive, culturally sensitive, and open-minded they are. It makes me wonder what the world would look like if more kids traveled.

My thoughts often turn to all the kids who don’t have that chance. They don’t have the opportunity to visit foreign countries, discover who they are in a global context, and bring what they’re learning in school to life.”

OMG: You make a great point that real life experiences are important for comprehending what’s being learned in the classroom. I’ve also noticed at impoverished schools I’ve worked at that many students just don’t “see” beyond their neighborhood. Travel can really change those mindsets for the positive and helps students apply their travel experience to concepts in the classroom.

It sounds like you are off to a great start with your current goals of getting this program up and running. What do you envision for the future of the FLYTE program?

NM: “We would love to be able to take every high school student abroad if we could! Right now we are working with schools just in the US, due to our limited resources and being a young and growing organization. But we received many teachers from around the globe interested in the organization and our mission, inquiring as to whether or not we would partner with international schools. We would love to be able to support exchange opportunities or the possibility or working with schools outside of the US.”

OMG: Just curious, do you remember the "ah ha moment" you had when you realized travelling was more than just visiting another place?

NM: “I didn’t learn about the power of travel until I was twenty-three, had a job, and planned my first vacation to Costa Rica. That single two-week vacation opened my eyes to the endless possibilities this world has to offer.

The more I’ve traveled, the more I’ve learned about the world, myself, and how interconnected we all are.”

OMG: As you know, it can be challenging for people to afford to travel, especially young adults. What advice do you have for someone who may not be able to take advantage of the FLYTE program, and struggles to save the money to be able to travel, regardless of age?

NM: “Write down all your discretionary spending. This is what you spend on food, movie nights, drinks, shopping, that daily coffee from Starbucks, cigarettes, sports tickets, your daily midday snack, and other similar things. If you don’t know what you spend money on, go track your expenses for a two-week period, see what you spend. A dollar here and a dollar there adds up.

Cutting your daily expenses, being more frugal, and downgrading to a simpler way of living will allow you to save money for your trip around the world without having to find extra sources of income. I know these tips work because I used them before my first round-the-world trip (and still use them to keep my living expenses low).”

OMG: I know you have a bunch of tips on your website, like cutting out your daily $5 cup of coffee, stop smoking, and getting rid of your cable and stream free tv instead. I was floored when you reminded me that $5 per day is $150 a month, $1800 year...that's two roundtrip tickets to Chile! I can brew my own for that! My kids used to collect recycling and turn it in for travel money and one of my sons saves all his tips from work to put towards his travel adventures. So for him Tips=Travel. All these things really add up, and I plan to revisit YOUR tips so I can save more too!

A big part of the FLYTE program is providing an opportunity for others to give back in a way that can help underprivileged youth see that there is a bigger world out there than just their neighborhood. Travelling gives them a chance to be inspired to reach new heights, become more global-minded and it flat out broadens their horizons.  How can people learn more about sponsoring this program?

NM: “There are several ways to get involved with FLYTE. In order to sustain our programs, we rely heavily on the donations of our supporters-people like YOU who are passionate about travel, global citizenship, and youth education.”

Click here for more information:

Giving Back: How You Can Change the World

https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/make-difference-world/

OMG: Thanks Nomadic Matt for joining us and sharing your FLYTE program with us! We wish you lots and lots of great success with it!  

I encourage everyone to go to Nomadic Matt’s website right now, www.NomadicMatt.com,  to read more about how you can help change the world, and maybe pick up a travel tip or two while you’re at it! (One way you can help it to please spread the word!  You can help by sharing the link to this story. Thanks)!

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave them here!

The Perils of Post Mother's Day Depression

I feel so fortunate to have a wonderful day, like Mother’s Day, all devoted to treating ME kind. I do so much for my family the other 364 days of the year, that it’s nice to have a “Me Day,” and not have to feel guilty about it. 

Regardless of the quality of the final product, I can usually count on being treated a little better than usual on this most ceremonious of days. It usually begins with a ridiculously early wake up call of breakfast being shoved at me, while I attempt to sit up in bed and not spill everything on the covers (for which I would inevitably be the one who'd have to clean up). This is usually followed by a mandate from the queen on some manual labor to be done without gripage. (I would be playing the role of the queen in this scenario, and yes, I made up the word "gripage," meaning the spewing of such gripes from children in protest of having to get off their butts and do something physical). Later in the day, gifts of chocolate bars, sometimes a card and dinner is prepared for me. Not too shabby...I'll take it. (It's a lot better than the year they HONESTLY got me cow manure for Mother's Day).

But what I HATE about Mother’s Day is the day following it. That’s right, the very next day, every single year, I get PMDD, Post Mother’s Day Depression. It’s a clinical phenomena and I understand I am not the only one it affects.

Haven’t heard of PMDD? Well, allow me to explain. You see, after a day of pampering (whatever that may look like...for me that means getting some help with cleaning the garage), the Monday after Mother’s Day is a big ole slap of reality, right in the face! It's the decline from the high one has been on the previous day, to returning to the low of the daily grind. That’s right, still be woken up early, but to have to drag one’s self off to their regular day of work. No one attempting to make breakfast for you, and you’re forced to pour your own milk in your Cheerios. Geez, not fair!  Kids are back to ignoring you at full throttle and grouchiness is back to an all time high. No asking them to do something without hearing, “I’ll do it later…” or the one that really pisses me off, “Gawd, Mom, we worked all day on the garage yesterday, just for you. Now you want me to take the garbage out too? CRIPES MOM, you make me do everything. You are so ungrateful.” *deep cleansing breath here, before I smack the crap outta him*

Then of course by evening, it’s back to cooking for the family and cleaning up everything. And the ultimate worst part of PMDD is the weight gain. Since I’m a chocoholic, it never fails that I get chocolate for Mother’s Day...problem is the chocolate is completely gone by the following night, and I've eaten every bit of it, ALL BY MYSELF, (because one of the symptoms of PMDD is stress eating, ugh!). It goes without saying, this is now coupled with the depressing dread of stepping on the scale the next day, just to be doomed by those delectable delights. Definitely a downer. But the silver lining is that in 364 days, I will be Queen of the Castle again for 24 hours, so that one thought alone gives me something to look forward to.

Hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day...now go eat some chocolate!!!


(Got any funny stories about how you spent Mother's Day? Please fee free to share in the comments)!

WIN-WIN

HEY HEY HEY!!!  The WINNERS of the Looking for B.O.B. (BrightSides of Bull$#!+) Every Day book giveaway are:

Marilyn Coffaro Hamilton 

& 

Suzanne Shane

No worries if you didn't win this time, another giveaway is in the works!  So stay tuned!!! 

And in the meantime, while you're here, please feel free to peruse my blog, and be sure to start FOLLOWing me this month. (HINT, HINT)!!!

Doggy-style in the Grocery Aisle

So, you know how "they" say, "You'll never believe what you'll see during a visit to Wal-Mart." Well, I say, "they" are correct!

Not saying I actually went to Wal-Mart, but I did go to a particular store where the employees wear blue vests, and that sells just about everything you can think of for your home, yard or car...including groceries.

Now, let me preface this story by telling you all that I love animals. I really do. I  have owned all kinds of animals: dogs, cat, bunnies, cows, horses, sheep, chickens and a big ole turtle. Oh, and fish!  Yes, fish count. 

So here's the story.  I jam to this store, because it's only 10 minutes from my house, as opposed to 18 minutes for my favorite grocery store. Why did I chose the closer one? Simply, I was in a hurry to get home and make dinner for my family. KEYWORDS: IN A HURRY, people!

I made it to the store with no problems, and got everything on my list in record time. Because of the speediness, there was actually a fleeting moment when I considered making this place my regular food store. (THIS IS SERIOUSLY A SHOCKER, because I pretty much DESPISE shopping at this entire chain of stores)! Then I went to check out.

The line was long for Self Check-out, but not too bad. I decided to skip that option because I had a lot of produce to purchase, (and it's my experience that self-checking fruits and vegetables can be a shopping nightmare). Am I right, or what?  I mean really...no matter what, the "Checker-on-Duty" ends up at my register having to fix the computer, and repeats the process EVERY SINGLE TIME I need to weigh something. UGH!  This process can take forever, especially cuz I like my veggies!!!

So I start "vulturing," (yes, I made up that word), for the perfect register that is going to be short and sweet. There was none.

Finally, I make a choice. Register #13 EXPRESS LANE, 10 ITEMS OR LESS. Hmmm...Unlucky 13. Well, I didn't think anything of it at the time...I REALLY should be more superstitious!

There was a lady checking out her stuff with the clerk, and then another gal right behind her with only a stroller and a few items to purchase. I was next. Yay, I was going to get out of that store in no time. Or so I thought.

That's because at that moment, the gal in front of me reaches down to take her baby out of the stroller, (which was nicer than any baby stroller I ever owned). But the strange thing is, as she was doing this, I could see she had a giant pink leash in her hands and that she was fixin' to put it on the baby!  I'm totally thinking this lady is NUTS! That's when she stands up with the hairiest baby I've ever seen...a dog! So that sparks a full blown frickin' conversation between her, the lady in front of her and the clerk, for which the clerk has stopped checking ANYTHING, because she is so immersed in the conversation. OMG! Don't they teach these checkers to multi-task?

Now I am all about friendly banter while standing in line and getting through the check-out process, but I do NOT believe in holding up the line...and certainly not holding the people behind me in line, hostage. This chat took, SERIOUSLY, no less than five frickin' minutes. I know this, because that's what I clocked when I finally started timing them. FINALLY, the first lady leaves, and the Dog Lady is up to bat. YAY, I'm on deck. So I completely unload my cart. It's at that moment as I place my final item on the conveyor belt, with three sets of people behind me, that a clerk, returning from his break, walks up, looks at me and tells me he can take the next person in line. I look at him like, "WHAT THE FLIPPING HELL? Where were you 5 minutes ago?"

So of course the next three people behind me go get in that line. But I figure no worries, we'll get out soon enough. BUT NO!!!!

That's because the Dog Lady and the clerk, are now at a standstill as they discuss the new outfits they have been buying for their dogs. I kid you not. They were talking about the different dresses they've bought them and the different events they will be wearing them to. It was if they were discussing their daughters going to prom!  Down to the accessories of the studded collars to go with each outfit.  OH MY GOD!!!  Seriously, (I began praying), "God, you have a twisted sense of humor to be putting me through this. Please give me the strength NOT to slap the crap outta both of these beyotches. Amen." 

Now, keep in mind that during this time, the Dog Lady has her precious baby, a Jack Russel Terrier, on one of those retractable 20-foot long leashes, and the dog is running all over the place. 

As the Dog Lady explains to the clerk she has also purchased a pink collar for the dog, because she's trying to "femine her up a bit," people are dodging the dog who is running around them. After two people tripped over the leash that was sticking out across the exit aisle in front of the register, the Dog Lady finally decided it was time to "reel her in" and put her back in the stroller.  YA THINK???  DUH, LADY!!!  Now mind you, the two people tripped were the people that were BEHIND me in line that got lucky and checked out through the newly opened checkstand. (Insert your favorite F-word here)

Really?  REALLY? Now, I am all about service dogs...I love what they do for people with disabilities, and have known several in my lifetime. LOVE-LOVE-LOVE them! Guide dogs and companion dogs are incredible, and truly a blessing. I do not have any issues with them being anywhere with their person they are taking care of. They are trained exceptionally well and are truly impressive. (BUT COME ON PEOPLE!)...This NON-service dog had no reason to be in a grocery store where we buy food. Other stores, not such a problem to me, but please, no food stores. Isn't that health code violation? Licking the candy bars at the check stand is just sooooo wrong...(I mean, if I can't do it, dogs can't do it either, right?) SAVE THE CHOCOLATE, PLEASE!  Besides, dog aren't supposed to have chocolate and I, personally, really do not relish the idea of eating something after a dog has licked it, after licking their ass. Just saying.

But it goes beyond the "dog in the store" aspect...it was more about the rudeness of the conversation...which sincerely caused me to wait OVER 10 minutes, more like 13 minutes (hmmm...) just to check out. So much for being in the Express Lane. Right? It was also a matter of the Dog Lady allowing the dog to run all over, leash or not, causing people to stumble and mumble crude mutterings under their breath. And most of all, it was about the "no longer the same" chocolates on the shelf...I cannot stress this point enough: DO NOT MESS WITH ME AND MY CHOCOLATE!

Well, actually, there was one other thing, come to think of it. It was when I heard "The Shriek." It wasn't just heard by me either. It was a deafening shriek heard round the store...and maybe even in the garden department outside. Moments later the sound was followed by an announcement on the intercom.  The voice was definitely stifling fits of laughter mixed with disgust as it uttered, "Clean-up, Aisle K9." 

At that moment I stared at the Chatty Cathy Clerk with a knowing look. Yep. Her new BFF had not fled the scene without leaving a "calling card"...of sorts. She gulped, as I glared, and we both knew: I knew who dunnit, what it did, and that I was ever so grateful not to step it!"